


we'll breathe

by panlesters



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Angst, Animal Death, Bad Dreams, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, discussions of children, it's a dream tho!, just a lot of comforting, no irl fish death in this fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-09
Updated: 2019-11-09
Packaged: 2021-01-26 12:02:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,176
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21373840
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/panlesters/pseuds/panlesters
Summary: a fic about fish and responsibility
Relationships: Dan Howell/Phil Lester
Comments: 22
Kudos: 99





	we'll breathe

**Author's Note:**

> sometimes someone says "i cant wait for someone to write a fic about this" and i just go feral you know   
so thanks jo this is for u 
> 
> title from breathe by to kill a king

_It’s a more horrifying image than you’d expect. Norman’s body floating upside down and lifeless in his tank. His eyes are always open, but now they’re cold. Dead. He feels a tear roll down his cheek. It’s just a fish, says some unfeeling voice in his mind. It’s just a fish. _

_It makes him angry. That he’d even think such a thing. Maybe he can’t cuddle him like a cat or teach him tricks like a puppy, but he’s grown attached to Norman like he was a family member and he wasn’t prepared for this in any way. _

_Phil is going to be heartbroken. _

_The thought hits him like a train. _

He shoots up in bed. He didn’t expect to be crying but his cheeks are wet, and he has to wipe his face on his duvet. He reaches over to feel Phil next to him and ground himself, but the bed is empty beside him. It’s okay, he tells himself. It’s fine. He just needs to take a couple of deep breaths.

It had really felt so real. _Too_ real. He needs to see Norman okay. It seems silly. It’s really, really silly but sometimes you just have to indulge yourself. He pulls on a hoodie just to give himself some extra comfort, and makes his way out of the bedroom to see to Norman.

He’s surprised to find Phil sat in the chair by Norman’s tank. He doesn’t make his presence known right away, just relaxes when he sees them together. Phil has a mug of what Dan assumes is coffee cradled in his hands, glasses on the bridge of his nose, quiff a complete mess. He’s staring intently into Norman’s tank. Dan can see his chest rise and fall heavily and takes a deep breath.

“Hey,” he says softly.

Phil jumps a little, and looks up at him. Dan finds it in him to huff out a little laugh.

“Dan,” Phil says, once he’s taken a deep breath. “What are you doing up?”

Dan shrugs. “Bad dream, I guess.” He makes his way over to the chair, where Phil tries his best to make room for him. It ends up a mess, Dan sort of lying across Phil’s lap, legs dangling over one arm, head held up by the other.

Phil takes a hand away from his mug to brush over Dan’s cheek and through his hair. It’s warm, and Dan smiles softly.

“What about you?” Dan asks. “You okay?”

“Bad dream too,” Phil murmurs.

Dan frowns. “You want to talk about it?”

“I had this dream that Norman died,” Phil whispered. “And it really upset me. It was so real, I had to come down and check he was okay.”

Dan laughs again then, rolling his eyes. Phil lifts up his knee and jabs it into his back.

“Hey, don’t laugh at me!” he says disdainfully.

“I’m not, I’m not!” Dan holds his hands up in surrender. “It’s just funny that this is the next step, our dreams just becoming the same thing.”

“You too?” Phil whispers.

“Yeah,” Dan replies. “It was pretty awful. The scariest part was thinking about you, though.” He says, quietly.

“Me?”

“You love Norman,” Dan shrugs. “I hate the idea of something happening to him. And I hate the idea of me having to tell you.”

“You love Norman too.” It’s not a question.

“Yeah, but I love you more,” Dan says. He tries to reshuffle, then. It doesn’t work, and in the end he resigns himself to sitting cross-legged on the floor.

Phil frowns when he sees Dan looking at his hands, picking at his fingers the way he does when he wants to say something but he’s too scared to.

“Dan?” Phil whispers. “What’s up?”

Dan takes a deep breath.

“How are we supposed to ever look after children if we can’t even handle the thought of a fish dying?”

His voice sounds more broken than he intended it to. But the worry is there, in the back of his mind. He’s always, _always_ wanted kids.

“How am I supposed to let my kids go to school by themselves every day knowing anything could happen to them?”

“Dan…”

“If I can’t handle a fish,” he says. “How the fuck am I supposed to look after children?”

Phil puts his mug on the side, and gets down on to Dan’s level. He opens his arms and allows Dan to crawl into them. They sit there a little while, curled up with their backs against a chair, Phil running his fingers through Dan’s hair. They just breathe. It doesn’t take long for Dan to match his breathing to Phil’s. They’ve been practicing that for years.

It’s another five minutes before Phil speaks.

“Do you want some hot chocolate?” he murmurs into Dan’s ear. “I saved some marshmallows.”

Dan huffs a laugh. “I bet you say that to all the guys.”

“You caught me,” Phil presses a kiss just below Dan’s ear and untangles himself, taking Dan’s hand and helping him up.

They stay quiet while Phil makes up a hot chocolate. He makes sure to go heavy on the whipped cream. Phil knows that’s more Dan’s thing than the marshmallows, but he also knows that Dan appreciates the gesture.

When he’s finished, he sits opposite Dan and takes his free hand. He waits for Dan to look up at him before he starts talking.

“You’re gonna be an amazing dad one day, you know.” Dan looks down into his hot chocolate, and Phil squeezes his hand to make him look up again. “You _are_. You’re still young, Dan. _We’re_ still young. We still have time.”

Dan nods. He knows Phil is right, but he’s still a little shaken up and maybe he just needs the validation right now. Phil knows that.

“That’s what this is about, right? One responsibility at a time.” He brushes Dan’s hand with his thumb. “We do good at looking after Norman, we can take another responsibility on. We have to start small, yeah?”

“Yeah,” Dan whispers, almost silently. He knows Phil is right. That’s what they’ve discussed. Building up to big commitments, making sure they can handle the smaller responsibilities before they consider the bigger ones.

Phil makes sure to put some energy into cheering him up. He leans across to kiss the whipped cream moustache off Dan’s face, muttering something about “the sacrifices I make for you”, and Dan rolls his eyes.

“Yeah, you’re totally gonna die of milk poisoning now,” Dan says, as flatly as he can manage. It’s not easy to keep the fondness out of his voice.

They both take a quick check on Norman before they head back upstairs. He’s fine. Dan gives a firm shove on Phil’s back when he turns around to have one last peak at Norman.

They curl up together in bed the way they always do, and maybe Dan feels a little more secure that he’s still going to get to be a dad one day. Just one responsibility at a time.

**Author's Note:**

> thanks for reading! i hope you enjoyed! comments are appreciated, come scream at me @ panlesters on tumblr


End file.
